‘It's irrational to be jealous of a dead person’

And yet where do you turn when survivor's guilt kicks in?

As you know, if you read last week’s essay, my cousin died recently. And not just my cousin, but one of my closest friends. In the days since, I often get asked if I am okay, to which the answer is, mostly no, but I have to get on with it.

I remain convinced, having spent some time speaking about faith and praying with Sammy over the last year or so, that I know where Sammy’s spirit is now and that she is no longer in pain. Things I am glad about, as one of the people who witnessed her suffering. And so there is a peace, of sorts, for Sammy, but she did leave a lot of us who deeply loved her, behind.

As I clicked on to the link to a tribute page circulating amongst her family and friends, I was immediately overwhelmed by the many photos and messages posted. Very easy to deify someone once they’ve gone, but Sammy really was the epitome of light and life; captured easily in the photos of her dancing and smiling. Scrolling, I felt the loss to all of us held in her captivating beauty and warmth. But there was also a darker feeling that I have had to push down repeatedly during this time.