‘My cousin just died’
Celebrating the life of someone who made mine so much better
My cousin died last week. But not “just” my cousin. She was one of my closest friends and the family who took me in when I was very sick a few years ago.
'Cancer never even crossed my mind'
I have had a cancer scare before when, perhaps like a lot of women, I discovered a lump in one of my breasts. As a woman, my biggest fear was that this lump could mean I had what that cute little pink ribbon represents: the C word. Of course there are other cancers (many, as it turns out), but
Over a period of about 18 months, I was basically living with family while I had a major operation to remove a large tumour which took with it one of my ovaries and had me lose a lot of blood. Later I had chemotherapy which, among many other delightful things, lost me some of my hearing. While this was all happening, Sammy, her husband and daughter were my anchors to healing. I was escorted to and from hospital and Sammy, used to hospitals from a lifetime managing diabetes, thrashed out confusing medical notes with me. The night I was diagnosed with an aggressive cancer, her husband made us all cocktails and we sang and danced together; once again the teenagers we were when we met at secondary school in North London.
To remember my beautiful, sunny hearted friend, here are some memories…
I always gave my close friends nicknames and Sammy’s was “Smaki” – a very basic mix of her first and surnames. But while staying with them during my cancer treatment, in a bid to encourage Sammy when she was working on her styling business (Sammy Aki) her three-year-old daughter and I started yelling “Sammy Aki is BACK!” whenever she came into the room, and that’s one of my fondest memories.
The story of how Sammy and I met is another favourite. I joined St Margaret’s in the first year of upper school (age 13) and met Sammy when I was getting fitted for my new uniform. Being tall, I needed my blazer altered to fit my long arms but when we went to pick it up, we discovered there had been a mix up with the uniform of another student. My older sister had joined SMB in lower school, but it turned out there was another person with our surname at the school who none of us had ever heard of! This was Sammy, and, upon meeting her, discovered that our dads are cousins. Sammy looks exactly like my other cousins from my dad’s side and although blood does not necessitate closeness and we were not particularly close at school (most importantly, we were in rival Houses and I take competition very seriously…) Sammy did become kind of an ally. We were in and out of touch after we left school, but our friendship really began to flourish after university.
Both Sammy and I love to dance and in my post-divorce years when I was running around London (always looking like a snack), I would bump into her at random parties including once the PPQ afterparty for London Fashion Week where we shrieked when we saw each other and danced the night away with random models and various celebrities – most of whom I didn’t recognise because I had so much champagne at the show.
Slightly TMI so look away now if easily triggered but I recall one day during the time I was living with her, I made her come into the bathroom because I was appalled at how my naked body was deteriorating from the cancer and she was like, “Tola. can you please just put some clothes on”. Lol.
Sammy was diagnosed with triple negative breast cancer not long after I stopped taking chemotherapy and went back home. She remained full of life til the end even though she was in a lot of pain.
As I grieve I also want to celebrate her life, and here is the message I sent to her for her birthday last year:
Happy New Year my darling girl! I’ve said before that we’ve been in each other’s lives at so many pivotal moments and that feels significant and very special. Remember when I came over to your mum’s when you were agonising over what to pack for your year out at uni? And when we had takeout at your Highbury apartment when I was freaking out about going off to do a ski season? And when I passed through to hang out with you in NY? You thought you were carrying a boy but I was convinced you were having a girl - I love being right! Remember me dragging you to Satomi Kawakita so I could go aspirational ring shopping when I was determined to remarry after being divorced? And when I moved round the corner from you in North London and we drank prosecco and sat on the floor with the baby because your furniture wasn’t set up yet? The most dear and also painful memory is when you took me in to look after me during my cancer treatment in 2021 and I ended up wearing all your clothes because what I thought was going to be just a quick check-up ended up being a six-month ordeal. I love you so much Sammy and while I’ve also loved that we twin so much (netballers, pink braids, ginger hair and wear the same size shoes and clothes), I hate that we had to share the cancer experience and I’m praying for your full recovery as you aided me so much in mine. You’re a wonderful woman, businesswoman, wife, mother, cousin and friend. Thank you for always making room for me in your full and busy life and reminding me that there is always hope. I want to remind you of that now especially on days when it feels particularly dark. I also want to thank you for your daughter who is, as you know, one of the biggest lights in my life. Isn’t it wild to think if we hadn’t been elegant teenage giants, we might never have met?? Grateful for our friendship and long may it continue! Remember: Still Here and Still Standing. Love you Smaki xx
Quick announcement as I sign off, this will be my last free substack post. I started this in 2021 when I was living with Sammy and she was a firm believer of being paid for your art so I’m going full subs only on this platform but thank you all for your readership and support so far.
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Tola x
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I’m the editor and creative director at Premier Woman Alive and co-host of the YouTube show Sisterhood. In 2019, I delivered a TEDx Talk on Debunking the Myth of Success and my book, 'Still Standing:100 Lessons From An 'Unsuccessful' Life' is out now.
Gosh what a legend! Sounds like it was such a treat to know her and call her a friend and cousin. Sending all the love to you ❤️🥹