‘Does being “perfect” make you less desirable?’

On unpacking the laws of attraction…

PERFECT: Orange bitters in my orange goblet to match my orange fit.

I once heard a comedian talk about life before fame. He spoke about living in a bedsit and having to sell his TV in order to get food to eat, but what really stuck with me was him talking about his girlfriend (at the time, now wife). And I remember thinking, ‘you had a girlfriend??’ In all of that barely surviving, when did you have time to get - and what made you think you had anything to offer - a girlfriend??

Perhaps that’s mean of me and you’re reading this thinking what an absolute b*tch I must be to have such opinions. But this is genuinely not only how I felt reading it, but how I think about myself. I’m always shocked when I see people not in their perfect era, going after life partners, and I think its because somewhere in my upbringing I have nurtured a narrative that we must be our whole selves (read, perfect) before bringing someone else into our lives – or stepping into theirs.

Back to my comedian, the reason I was surprised to hear he had a girlfriend during those rough times was because he admitted he was struggling financially and practically at that time. So where did he get the chutzpah to convince someone to be a partner while he was in that state?? (Incidentally, less of an issue for me to wrap my head around was that a woman would agree to dating a man in this state. But that’s perhaps a conversation for another essay…)

In my own life, whether its about dating or presenting myself for an interview; I’ve painstakingly sought to be my “best self” in order to be accepted and that’s not just about how I’m dressed. For interviews I make sure I am fully prepared for every and any question I could be asked. This has often led to night-before-panic as I convince myself I don’t know quite enough for a role I have already been vetted for and passed through to conversation stage. (I was astounded to find out that loads of people head confidently to interviews knowing full well they can’t actually do the job at hand, somehow wing it and go on to get the job!)

This strive for perfection also had me confused when my last partner approached me in the street on one of my worst days and told me I was the best dressed person he’d seen all day. (If nothing else it made me laugh and that’s a great ice breaker.) At that stage in my life I was getting over major depression preceded by cancer so there was no way I was out looking for the love of my life. If I couldn’t show up as perfect and perfectly acceptable, it didn’t even occur to me to try and meet a special someone.

But knowing the kind of perfection I attain to; my high standards for myself and others, perhaps my aim is doomed to neverability (heard this word on a song once and I stand by it). And as I learned when my first book was published, 100 Lessons From an “Unsuccessful” Life, people aren’t necessarily attracted to perfection – at least not when it comes to perfection in other people.

Perhaps perfection in someone is actually off-putting, because it shines a light on our inadequacies in comparison?

Interested to know what you think. I’m never too old to learn…

Tola x

OAT FLAT WHITE PLEASE

I’m the editor and creative director at Premier Woman Alive and co-host of the YouTube show Sisterhood. In 2019, I delivered a TEDx Talk on Debunking the Myth of Success and my book, 'Still Standing:100 Lessons From An 'Unsuccessful' Life' is out now.